wellmanicuredman:

lotterywinnersonacid:

Today a student emailed over a draft of his essay on 1984 and had clearly used a thesaurus on every single word, and how I know this is because the the party slogan ‘Big Brother is watching you’ had become ‘Enormous Sibling is viewing you’ and I lauged so hard I cried

you: big brother

me, an intellectual: enormous sibling

sebastianfucker:

sebastianfucker:

successfully profiled and found a lost cat thanks to a criminal minds binge someone tell the FBI to hire me

My roommate came to get me because the cat was missing. I paused the show and went outside and I was all walking around the crime scene like okay the kitchen window is open and there is no screen so he must have jumped out here and ran off and they were like “so he’s gone???”

And I was like “we’ll pretend I’m a cat. There are two ways to go, towards the street and the lights or into the dark. A cat would choose the quieter dark spot” so I went into the dark and there like ur never gonna find him but I said LISTEN Spike was an outside cat before we moved and he’s been trapped inside so I bet he ran to the most bushy and grassy area. They said I was full of shit but u know what I found in the bushes? The fucking cat bitch I’m FBI material.

I’ve been told you’d like to hear about my Grandmother…

emmersdrawberry:

writeasrayne:

prorevenge:

My grandmother got married in 1962, to a young man in the military. For a wedding present, their parents bought them a house in a nice suburb. White picket fence, whole 9 yards. Not long after they moved in, the next door neighbor planted a mullberry tree on the side of his property, near my grandparent’s driveway. Nothing seemed amiss, but if you know Mullberry Trees, you know that sh*t is about to get real.

About 15 years later, the mullberry tree was OBNOXIOUS. The birds would come and eat the berries, and any car parked in the driveway would get sh*t on, and it would stain the cars and ruin paint jobs. My grandmother, upon realizing the culprit, baked a nice apple pie, walked next door, and asked the neighbor if he’d mind trimming back the branches of the tree that hung over her driveway. He told her not to worry, he’d get to it soon. Three days later, my grandmother opened her door to find a half-eaten pie in the plate, crawling with ants, and a note that said “I changed my mind.”

My grandmother threw out the pie, cursing up a storm, and swearing up and down she’d get him to trim that tree or get him back. City ordinance said she could not trim the tree, as the roots were on his property, so the whole tree was his property.

As the years went by, my grandmother repeatedly asked him, ever so nicely, to trim it back. His responses were always along the lines of “No” and “F*ck off.”
Finally, in the mid-90s, my grandmother retired, and received a large bonus from her employer for her 35 years of work. She took the money, and bought the empty lot on the other side of the neighbor, then went to a nursery and bought 16 mullberry trees, planting them along her property line, on both sides of his property. About 3 years ago, he became angry at the damage they were doing to his cars, and cut them all back without permission. My grandmother took him to court, and he was forced to reimburse her for the trees at a markup because they’d had 10 years to grow.

…. That is hardcore on a level I hardly knew existed.

Thats a level of salty i can only pray I achieve

malfvoys:

honestly besides the romance my favorite part of pride and prejudice has to be how much of a complete Disaster the bennet family is,,,,,,,like mr bennet is sarcastic af and never tells his family anything until like the hour before it happens (“btw ur cousin that you’ve never even met before and who could throw ur asses out on the streets one day is coming for dinner at 4”),,,,,mrs bennet is the total Can I Speak To The Manager mom who always threatens to pass out even if she’s never passed out once in her entire life,,,,lydia practically stalks military men and was once voted most likely to run away from home forever for a laugh,,,,,kitty would probably burn the house down if lydia told her it was a good idea,,,,,mary is the epitome of that one person who memorizes only six lines from a textbook and says “knowledge is power” for three days after,,,,,,,,jane would practically apologize to someone who was stabbing her,,,,and im almost 1000% sure that elizabeth has at least once stood up on the dining room table and yelled at her family “fight me then” when she’s angry,,,,,,literally the original sitcom family

intergalactic-ashkenazi:

Moana is is the reverse of the Little Mermaid

  • little mermaid: ocean princess wants to go to the land
  • moana: land princess wants to go to the ocean
  • little mermaid: big scary ocean lady is the enemy
  • moana: big scary land lady is actually a friend
  • little mermaid: villain has a necklace of magical importance
  • moana: hero has a necklace of magical importance
  • little mermaid: small good crab
  • moana: large bad crab

berries:

Adult: your hickey is crude and trashy, you should be ashamed

me: 

  • is a teenager
  • is living life and having fun
  • is bothering no one
  • hasn’t had 3 failed marriages
  • didn’t ask, martha

Wtf is sephora

alexexotic:

mettatonsbutt:

corruptinnocent:

flatbear:

optimysticals:

princelesscomic:

osheamobile:

jewishdragon:

rareandradiant-maiden:

hhertzof:

animatedamerican:

leeshajoy:

waffle-sorter:

lethalneuroses:

one-eyed-pom:

punlich:

venatus:

elasticlove:

nicejewishguy:

It sounds scary

isn’t that the guy with the long white hair from final fantasy

no your thinking of sephiroth,

a sephora is an angel belonging to the highest order of angels

No you’re thinking of a Seraph

A sephora is a second year college or high school student

No, you’re thinking of sophomore. A sephora is when you use your phone to take a picture of yourself.

no, you’re thinking of a selfie. a sephora is a calm breeze.

No, you’re thinking of a zephyr. A sephora is one of those Greek vases with the two handles and the pictures.

You’re thinking of an amphora. Sephora is the web browser you have to use on iOS devices.

You’re thinking of Safari.  Sephora is an informal term for the seven-week period of counting the days between Pesach and Shavuot in the Jewish calendar.

You’re thinking of Sefiras. Sephora is a bright blue gemstone best known for combining with Ruby to create Garnet and lead the Crystal Gems, training Pokemon, and/or assisting Steel to fight against time’s intrusions into our realm.

No, you’re thinking of sapphire. Sephora is actually a part of a flower; it protects the flower in bud and supports the petals in bloom.

No, you’re thinking of sepal. Sephora is the wife of Moses, who lead the Israelites people out of Egypt. 

No, you’re thinking of Tzipporah. Sephora was an ancient Greek poet who inspired a lot of lady-lovin’.

No, you’re thinking of Sappho.

Sephora is the youngest of the five Marx brothers.

No, you’re thinking of Zeppo.

Sephora is the Heimdall’s sister.

No no no guys, you’re thinking of Sif. Sephora is a venereal disease that turns your brain to swiss cheese, going so far as to destroy external features like the nose. Famous gangster Al Capone suffered from sephora.

No, you’re thinking of syphilis. Sephora is that radiant feeling you get when you have found perfect peace and happiness.

No, you’re thinking of euphoria. Sephora’s a fucking makeup store you dipshits.

Only blogging because this is my favorite tumblr post and i can never find it when I need to.